NOTE: Strong Language contained herein; be advised.
Kevin Federline, A.K.A K-Fed, A.K.A. The Pancake Man.
If you thought Chingy was the only one I was doing, you're mistaken. I got a list.
-Ja Rule
-50 Cent
-Murphy Lee
-The Ying Yang Twins
-Nelly
-Akon
-I-20
-Busta Rhymes
-Fat Joe
-T.I.
-Flo Rida
And on and on and on and on.
Kevin Federline is a former back-up dancer and, now, former rapper. Today, we'll be taking a look at his debut album, followed by... that's it. He had one album and wasn't featured on anything, nor was on any soundtracks. I can't imagine why he never continued, so let's see where he went wrong.
"Playing With Fire"(2006)
I'm a pirate on the seas, call me Captain Hook/Everything belong to me, every cranny and nook
-"The World Is Mine"
I think I see, now.
Disrespect with it, I get cannibal with it
-"The World Is Mine"
So you're telling me that you're so hardcore, that if I diss or disrespect you, you're....you're gonna eat me? Have you recently gone under psychiatric evaluation?
I'll be damned if I ever gave a fuck what y'all think/ on top, never get ranked how y'all ranked/from where I'm from, to the Caribbean sea/The world is mine, everything belong to me.
-"The World Is Mine"
K-Fed might have somewhat of a half-way point here. He starts off the chorus with him stating that no matter what anyone thinks, he's doing fine in his own right. Now, that's not so bad. But, when the reviews and sales for the album came out, it seems as if it got to him. Maybe the pirate analogies had something to do with it.
Create my own style, I ain't ever been a bad guy/tell the media I'm really not a bad guy
-"The World Is Mine"
Top-notch rhyming.
They talk shit, "Kev sucks, why don't he retire?"/You fucks adding fuel to my fire
-"The World Is Mine"
This is the first song on the album. However, there were two songs that were released to promote the album that received such backlash that he left them off. When we get to the end, I'll cover them. That's what he means when people say he sucks. As if you needed me to tell you.
One snap of the finger, the floor is where you laying
-"The World Is Mine"
Let the record show that snapping one's finger is not an effective way to murder someone.
And my dawgs still down, we don't trust them hoes
-"America's Most Hated"
I hope that one of the "hoes" you're referring to, isn't your then wife, the one and only Britney Spears.
I'm handing out ass-kickings like diplomas
-"America's Most Hated"
Funny, I don't remember at my graduation ceremony, receiving my diploma with a kick to the ass instead of a handshake. Maybe my school did it wrong.
Who's the first to get it/you know K-Fed's with it/All the shit rappers talk about "I already did it!"
-"America's Most Hated"
You just rhymed "It" with itself three times. Who's the "shit rapper" now?
I'm loony, all these model chicks wanna do me/Tabloids tried to screw me, magazines do me
"America's Most Hated"
Once again, rhyming "do me" with itself is not rhyming. Sir, what do you mean by "Magazines do me"? They cover you? That, they most certainly do. But if you mean "do me" do me, then you have some type of fetish that not even Chingy's with.
Wanna match? Little boys, we can get it on
"America's Most Hated"
That's not something that should be coming out of an adult male's mouth.
I know you're mad 'cause your girls wanna watch me, but I hate haters like the fuckin' paparazzi
-"Snap"
Could have something to do with your previous comments.
When I snap my fingers, then your head's the target
-"Snap"
Again, snapping your fingers won't murder anyone, let alone harm them.
I'm the pancake man
-"Snap"
This is where Federline introduces his own nickname. Why "The Pancake Man"? Who knows? He never explains it, so let's move on.
Well tell them "fuckerazzi's" they can give Kev head
"Snap"
This is like the 50th time he's brought up the paparazzi, so maybe he has a fetish for them, in which case, this line makes perfect sense.
I'm hotter than a pizza oven
-"Snap"
Just-honestly, what the hell?
Hit Nastro's for a bite to eat/no tuxedo 'cause they recognize me
-"Lose Control"
The local McDonald's recognizes me too, so what does wearing a tux have to do with anything?
I see y'all been sippin' your haterade
-"Dance With A Pimp"(featuring Ya Boy)
What, were you not at liberty to say Gatorade? And Ya Boy? He ain't my boy.
It's goin' down like a fresh pair of panties
-"Privilege"(featuring Bosko)
I don't... honestly, you've said so much stupid shit at this point, it's hard to come up with a lot.
She calls me daddy, but she's not my daughter, and I'm not her father
-"Privilege"(featuring Bosko)
YOU HAVE A PROBLEM!
When the pen hits the pad, it's in the left hand
-"Crazy"(featuring Britney Spears)
Thanks, I really needed to know.
Don't think they understand, how much cake the Pancake Man had
-"Crazy"(featuring Britney Spears)
Patty cake, patty cake, baker's way, how many stupid things can you say?
Let my nuts hang like a mothafuckin' necklace
-"League Of My Own"
Dude, really?
I'm coming out like Janet's titty at the super bowl
-"Playing With Fire"
Janet Jackson's infamous incident at the 2004 Super Bowl was an accident, so, in many ways, yes, your career is an accident. PERFECT ANALOGY!
Handcuffed, back seat, on my way to the station
-"Caught Up"
YES! YES! TAKE HIM AWAY! LOCK HIM UP AND THROW AWAY THE KEY!
Pancake, pancake, I'M THAT MAN!
-"Kept On Talkin'"
Whatever, I'm just so done. Honestly, so done.
The two songs that weren't released were called 'PopoZao" and "Y'all Ain't Ready". The full version of "Y'all Ain't Ready" has never been released. All that's out is a 51 second snippet. And guess what: it sucks ass. It's the same damn thing as every other song: "I hate paparazzi, look at all the weed I smoke, Paparazzi can kiss my ass, I have money, I love Britney, now lemme talk about my nuts." "PopoZao" has been heard in ONE video: It's an interview with Slick Bisquick himself, playing the track for an eager(read: dreading) audience. It has a different sound, I'll give him that, but, as one reviewer(Chuck Arnold of People Magazine, to be exact) stated: "The frenetic dance track(it's title refers to a bootylicious posterior) taps into the favela funk sound popular in Rio De Janeiro..."
"Bootylicious posterior"...
IT'S, ABOUT, ASS! Don't try and walk past that like it's a discarded dog turd that the owner didn't wanna pick up on the sidewalk. Don't try and say "Well, yes, it's about ass, but it's still original".
*Sigggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh*
*Update: "PopoZao" has been individually uploaded outside of the interview.
Now, as a bonus, 'cause I know his album... it just WASN'T ENOUGH, I found some videos.... Oh, sweet baby Lord, I found some videos and they are ripe for commenting.
Kevin Federline, Teen Choice Awards, 2006
This video is a trainwreck BEFORE HE EVEN STEPS ONSTAGE.
It starts with Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson introducing Britney Spears. The reason Cook and Simpson are paired together is because they had a movie coming out, "Employee Of The Month". Now, the movie isn't that bad; for what it is, it's enjoyable, rainy Sunday fare, and I don't mind Dane Cook. It's Jessica Simpson that I can't STAND. She grates on the nerves, is a terrible singer and an even worse actress(thanks for ruining Daisy Duke). Cook makes such a bad joke that makes you debate even continuing the video or not:
Simpson: "Now, the moment you've all been waiting for!"
Cook: "We're gonna get in the hot tub?"
You're marginally better than that, man.
Britt Britt then comes out on stage, and the video gets better. She's all adorable and pregnant and cute. I've always loved Spears(though her recent album, "Glory" was just ehhh), so seeing her was OK with me. There's only oneeeee teeny problem: she's pregnant, OK? That's Federline's child she's carrying. HEY, everybody makes mistakes, OK?
Then, the music starts.
A kid comes out, God knows who he is or who he belongs to, lip-syncing(verrryyyy poorly) to the song.
Then, ANOTHER kid comes out and does the same thing.
WHAT.
THEN, the piano player is revealed to be Splinter the Rat himself.
The screwed up thing is that the audience is giving him thunderous applause!
He preforms and sucks. Moving on.
Weird Al-K-Fed Interview
In typical Weird Al fashion, Al takes clips from another interview and finds a clever way of skewing it to make the person being interviewed look worse than they do.
By the way, July 1st, 2016, I saw Weird Al live and he puts on an exceptional show. He made 2 and a half hours fly by in what seemed like 40 minutes. If you ever get the chance, go see him; it's worth EVERY penny.
Al actually predicted a lot of things that happened after he did the "interview". Federline never made a second video as he was planning to do. He never made a second album. His career imploded after the album tanked. He gained weight and went on "The Biggest Loser".
From Wikipedia:
In early October 2006, Federline commenced the Playing with Fire Tour at Webster Hall in New York City, where he performed to an estimated audience of 300 out of a total seating capacity of 1,500, with only one-third of attendees remaining by the end of the concert. On October 8, 2006, many of the tickets for the show on House of Blues in Chicago were given away for free. Following the poor reception, the remaining dates were ultimately cancelled.
Playing with Fire was universally trashed upon its release. The album also holds a score of 15 out of 100 (indicating "overwhelming dislike") based on 7 critical reviews, according to the music review aggregator Metacritic.
K-Fed: Nationwide is on yo' Side
Lastly, he made a Nationwide Ad that debuted at the 2009 super bowl. It's embarrassing.
I'm done. Let's let this nugget of obscurity fade back into... obscurity.
Sources!
"Playing with Fire (Kevin Federline Album)." Wikipedia. Wikimedia Foundation, n.d. Web. 09 Jan. 2017.
Arnold, Chuck. "REVIEW: K-Fed’s ‘PopoZão’." PEOPLE.com. Time Inc, 05 Jan. 2006. Web. 09 Jan. 2017.
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